All of a sudden it sinks in... In the middle of so many people I feel all alone... Too tired even just to analyze why things came to this. All I ever can think of is hoping everything would just stop. Wishing that when I sleep, I would just go on sleeping and not wake up anymore.
Just too tired.... Too broken... Is this midlife crisis already? No... Guess not... It's too early for that. I'm not even on my forties yet. Product of wrong decisions? Maybe. Entrusting everything to someone I thought would make me happy? Yes. Entrusting my life to the wrong person I guess.
A famous line in a movie keeps going through in my mind... "Mahal mo ba ako dahil kailangan mo ako o kailangan mo ako dahil mahal mo ako?" ( Do you love me because you need me or you need me because you love me?)
Everything is all chaos now. Everything is blurred. I used to be always sure of my life, now I don't even know what life is. Its all dark. It's all pain. It's all resentment.
The saddest part of it, I have to face the day with a fake smile all along... As if nothing is wrong... That I live a perfect life.
Sometimes I want to just drown it all in a bottle of alcohol... I just drink til I'm too wasted to think about my sadness. So I could just sleep. But then, I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming. Tears falling down my face. This agony keeps haunting me.
A part of me says leave. I need yo find my happiness back so that I could rebuild my life. A part of me says stay. I need to give my life a second chance here...
But 14 years isn't enough yet? Fourteen long years of being in their shadow? For all those years it has always been about them. With me always being left and set aside. Is there any chance for them to realize my worth at all?
So tired of it all. Unappreciated. Unloved.
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